By Sally King, 2011
If you're taking to the air in order to reach your holiday destination there is the inevitable airport experience. I know that for many people, their holiday starts as soon as they have stepped foot outside their house. From this point on it's carefree good times. But I'm not one of those people.For me the journey to the airport is far from relaxed. Did I turn the heating off? Were any windows left open? Passports? Tickets? Oh no, what about the cat?! It's okay, we don't have a cat, thank goodness.
But for me, things only get worse when we actually reach the airport. You see, airports are home to many of my annoyances - all under one roof. You name it, crazy prices, shopping, stupid people, they're all there just waiting for me.
It's Not That Difficult!
First stop is check-in, this is where the fun starts. It's easy to spot check-in, it's the incredibly long line of people, resembling the start of the London marathon. Hundreds of people stood in line wearing bright white trainers.With their trolleys loaded up with more luggage than could possibly get used and with no idea how to actually control a trolley, I can look forward to an hour of people sporadically bumping in to the back of my legs.
Painfully slowly we creep closer to the actual desk. Closer to the front of the queue I can now confirm my suspicions as to why it took so long to get here in the first place. "They want to see our passports dear." an elderly gentleman says to his wife. She then proceeds to explore the contents of her bag, a combination of worry and cluelessness making this a long drawn-out process. Don't people know what they need to produce at check-in?! Haven't they been stood in line for an hour while countless people before them are asked over and over for the same documents?! Come on!
Secure Unit
The herds of holiday makers now make their way to the next port of call. Security is guaranteed to provide yet another example of brainless action. Yes, it's time to take out all your pocket change and anything else that could make the machine signal to all others that you're a possible danger to their safety.We know the routine bags on the conveyor belt and shoes off. So why does it only occur to people when they're at the very front of the queue to undo their laces and take belts off?! It's unbelievable. And then I realize why the guy in front of me didn't take his belt off before reaching the front of the queue. It's because he's got so much change in his pockets that there's no way his pants would have stayed up. Handful after handful of change scooped out and placed in the bowl. What does he need all this change for? He's probably headed straight for those dimly lit alcoves crammed with fruit machines that lay in wait on the other side of security.
There's an uplifting feeling once I'm through security. No more queues until boarding and a chance to sit down and have a drink. We emerge in to what is essentially a shopping center. Yes this is the opportunity for idiots to stock up on as much junk as they can so that there's no overhead storage space available when I reach my seat on the plane. Happens every time. I find my seat, I look up to find a space for my hand luggage, only to be faced with a super-sized box of duty free cigarettes, bottles of spirits and an over-sized teddy bear.
Sky High Prices
We sit down on the hard chairs in the departure lounge sipping our £3 bottle of water and £5 cheese sandwiches as we try to calculate if we'll actually have any spending money left by the time we land. If you want an alcoholic drink you can make you're way in to one of those mock 'ye-olde pub' airport affairs. It's just like an old fashioned pub, but with very futuristic prices. Luckily we always get our holiday currency in advance, if you've waited to get yours at the airport then you can kiss goodbye to a large chunk of holiday spending due to the crazy exchange rates.All Aboard
Given that everything has annoyed me so far, you may surprised to hear that the process of boarding isn't such a big burden for me. As soon as boarding is announced the majority of people leap up and head straight for the queue. There they stand for the next twenty minutes or so, just ten yards from where they were sitting. Why bother doing that? I always sit and wait until the last minute then simply join the queue when there's just a few people left to board.Once on board I don't have a 'check-list of things to do' as such but rather a 'wish list'. I just hope I'm not sat in front of the child who's going to kick the back of my seat for the next four hours. Or the youngster who's got his iPod turned up so loud all I hear for the duration of the flight are the tinny echoes of what passes for music these days.
Worst case scenario, the passenger next to me has already placed a pile of sick bags within easy reach and is gripping the arm rests so tight that their knuckles are white. It's going to be a long flight.
Tired, aching and slightly confused it's time to stand in another queue and hope that customs goes smoothly. You know the feeling of standing at passport control trying not to look in to those huge mirrored windows, just preying that they're not going to pick you out and tell you it's rubber glove time.
A Dense Wall of Mindless Individuals
The final joy of the airport experience is baggage claim. This is where the idiots abroad, now fatigued by the journey really excel themselves. You see, baggage claim should be easy. There's nothing complicated about it. Bags are unloaded on to the carousel, travellers stand a few steps back and simply step forward and take their bag off the carousel and depart the airport.Of course it can't be as easy as that. The idiots decide that the best way to approach this task is to stand as close as possible to the carousel, forming a dense wall of mindless individuals. They do this for two reasons, firstly so that anyone not in this first row of idiots cannot see their bag coming. Secondly, so that when they grab their suitcase they have no room to maneuver, leading them to complain that people aren't giving them enough space to remove their luggage! And what if you are lucky enough to see your baggage coming? You have to push through and listen to the objections coming from those people nudged, what do these people expect?!
Gladly this is the end of the airport experience, well for a week at least when I have to endure many of the same individuals on the return journey.
Copyright ApartmentsTurkey.org 2011